This post is way more personal than I usually share. I know these feelings I have are shared by so many, many women all around the world. Many with heart-breaking stories that make mine seem trite. But it is something that has been on my heart and I think God is nudging me to share.
My heart yearns for another baby
There, I said it out loud.
I know I should be content, I have three beautiful, healthy, wonderful children. I am blessed beyond measure. But still my heart aches for another.
There are even times when we are at a park and when I am scanning to check on all my kids and I actually feel like I am missing a fourth.
So, great. God must have called us to have a big family, why don’t we have another?
We’ve been trying for over 2 years
Both my husband and I feel we want more. We love children! Call me crazy by I love nursing, getting up and snuggling during the night, the tiny clothes, carrying around a little one, and then watching them grow and explore the world around them. I don’t even mind the poopy diapers that much!
So we have been trying. For over 2 years……
Over the course of those years we’ve had a miscarriage (not my first) and we have been consulting with my OB/GYN who found I am not ovulating well, probably a result of a thyroid problem that seems to have begun after my miscarriage. So we started taking a med to help me ovulate.
Still nothing.
So I wait.
Each month rolls around and the emotions inside become even more real. I tell myself to stop focusing on it. I know God is in control and that if he wanted us to have another child he could do it. But it is hard to tell that to an aching heart.
Each month is filled with hope, anticipation, and then disappointment and sadness.
I know I’m not old yet. But at 35 I’m also ending my “reproductive years”. And I hear that clock ticking.
So what Now?
We wait.
We hope…… pray …….and wait. Just like many women all over the world.
I pray that God blesses us with another child or would take away my desire for more, but still nothing. I truly believe there is a reason God is not blessing us with another now. And I don’t feel like he has said no yet – because the desire remains. But will the wait turn to a no. I just don’t know. I believe God knows what’s best – for me and all the things I don’t know about how things could unfold if we had a child not at God’s timing.
We are not wanting to do anything dramatic – I mean we already have three healthy kids. And I feel that adoption is cost prohibitive at the time.
So I wait.
God hears our heart and sometimes answers yes
Besides the modern examples you’ll hear, look back to the Bible. God hears our hearts desires and is moved to act.
- God allowed Rachel to conceive (Genesis 30:22)- he listened to her and allowed her to conceive. She went on to have not only Joseph, but Benjamin too.
- Hannah had no children for the Lord had closed her womb (1 Samuel 1:5). She continued praying and in verse 19 we heard “and the Lord remembered her.” Hannah then conceives a child – Samuel.
- Abraham & Sarah in the Bible waited for 25 years for God to give them a child – Isaac.
Since God has not told me no. I will pray, I will wait, and I will pray some more.
I don’t know what the end to this story is yet.
I sure hope it has a Disney fairy tale happy ending. But, I will have to wait and see as God unfolds things. But if you too are at this place – I feel your pain. I know it is a deep sadness that reaches to the core of your being. Join me in continuing to pray – because God cares and hears our pain. Here is my favorite verse – one that gives me comfort during this time,
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
To all you Moms out there with this aching of the heart. I hear you. I get it.
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