So I wait (a very personal glimpse into my heart)

Thursday, February 20, 2014

So I wait (a very personal glimpse into my heart)

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so i wait - Trying to have a baby
This post is way more personal than I usually share. I know these feelings I have are shared by so many, many women all around the world. Many with heart-breaking stories that make mine seem trite.  But it is something that has been on my heart and I think God is nudging me to share.

My heart yearns for another baby

There, I said it out loud.

I know I should be content, I have three beautiful, healthy, wonderful children. I am blessed beyond measure. But still my heart aches for another.

There are even times when we are at a park and when I am scanning to check on all my kids and  I actually feel like I am missing a fourth.

So, great. God must have called us to have a big family, why don’t we have another?
Aching to have another baby - infertility

We’ve been trying for over 2 years

Both my husband and I feel we want more. We love children! Call me crazy by I love nursing, getting up and snuggling during the night, the tiny clothes, carrying around a little one, and then watching them grow and explore the world around them. I don’t even mind the poopy diapers that much!

So we have been trying. For over 2 years……

Over the course of those years we’ve had a miscarriage (not my first) and we have been consulting with my OB/GYN who found I am not ovulating well, probably a result of a thyroid problem that seems to have begun after my miscarriage. So we started taking a med to help me ovulate.

Still nothing.

So I wait.

Each month rolls around and the emotions inside become even more real. I tell myself to stop focusing on it. I know God is in control and that if he wanted us to have another child he could do it. But it is hard to tell that to an aching heart. 

Each month is filled with hope, anticipation, and then disappointment and sadness.

I know I’m not old yet. But at 35 I’m also ending my “reproductive years”. And I hear that clock ticking.
 

So what Now?

We wait.

We hope…… pray …….and wait. Just like many women all over the world.

I pray that God blesses us with another child or would take away my desire for more, but still nothing. I truly believe there is a reason God is not blessing us with another now. And I don’t feel like he has said no yet – because the desire remains. But will the wait turn to a no. I just don’t know. I believe God knows what’s best – for me and all the things I don’t know about how things could unfold if we had a child not at God’s timing.

We are not wanting to do anything dramatic – I mean we already have three healthy kids. And I feel that adoption is cost prohibitive at the time.

So I wait.
fertility problems and a woman's hear to have more babies

God hears our heart and sometimes answers yes

Besides the modern examples you’ll hear, look back to the Bible.  God hears our hearts desires and is moved to act.
  • God allowed Rachel to conceive (Genesis 30:22)- he listened to her and allowed her to conceive. She went on to have not only Joseph, but Benjamin too.
  • Hannah had no children for the Lord had closed her womb (1 Samuel 1:5).  She continued praying and in verse 19 we heard “and the Lord remembered her.” Hannah then conceives a child – Samuel.
  • Abraham &  Sarah in the Bible waited for 25 years for God to give them a child – Isaac.

Since God has not told me no. I will pray, I will wait, and I will pray some more.

I don’t know what the end to this story is yet.

I sure hope it has a Disney fairy tale happy ending. But, I will have to wait and see as God unfolds things.  But if you too are at this place - I feel your pain. I know it is a deep sadness that reaches to the core of your being.  Join me in continuing to pray – because God cares and hears our pain.  Here is my favorite verse – one that gives me comfort during this time,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

To all you Moms out there with this aching of the heart. I hear you. I get it.





30 comments:

  1. Awww Beth, I feel for you. It took us 2 years (with TONS of infertility treatments, surgery, procedures) to conceive our son. He is a blessing, but I want another child, too. After our son was born, we spent another couple of years and ridiculous amounts of money on more infertility treatments. It has been seven years, we have (mostly) accepted our family as just the three of us but some days it is hard to accept that. My thoughts of a peaceful heart go out to you.

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    1. Thanks. I had no idea Keitha! So sorry for your struggle. It is TOUGH.

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    2. Sorry, I don't know why those words are highlighted with links.

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  2. Oh beth thank you so much for this post . my first child was and still very hurt so after giving birth we choose to hold on on having more kids ( for a while ) because our daughter needed us around the clock . After of waiting I decided caring for my sweetheart is never going to end , and for her , for us we went ahead and had another 2 kids . my first is now 20 and i have a 7 and 5 . You said in words exactly how i felt every month after having my last one , I wanted another one . Like you I love kids , giving birth , nursing , watching them grow . I am older than you and i knew that my chances conceiving again were really rare . I consider it a blessing having the last 2 . It is just hard to accept that I am done . As crazy as it sounds i get sometimes stuck thinking i wish i can do it again and not waited that long and had more kids and a bigger family . I pray now for god to help me feel content with what I have and bring peace to my heart . Praying for you too xxx

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    1. What a blessing you had the last two. I am praying for peace for you right now Bella.

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  3. We too are waiting and waiting during our second adoption from Ethiopia. And before our first adoption, I also wondered why God hadn't blessed us easily and quickly with a child when the desire was so strong. Now I am grateful every single day that he didn't answer my prayer in the way I expected. Otherwise, I wouldn't have my sweet, precious, perfect-for-our-family son or know the amazing experience of the adoption process. A whole new view on how God adopted us! And now I'm also praying I can remember that lesson as we wait and wait and wait again. It is never easy, but certainly a refining experience, huh? Wishing you the very best during your wait as well.

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    1. What a cool process. I wish we were at a place financially where we could adopt. I think it would be so cool! We went through the process to become foster parents, but then felt God close the door very clearly for us after some legislation changes in our state. It is a a refining process for sure! And it certainly has kept me on my knees in prayer!

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    2. It really is an incredible process. And thankfully, especially with International adoption, the $ is spread out over a very, very long time. (A good thing about the wait!?) It's amazing how God always provides! I won't lie - I'm not sure where the next chunk is coming from, haha, but it always has. (And also very thankful for the Adoption Tax Credit! A good chunk of it comes back with that, thank God!) Anyway, I'm sure your desire will be resolved in a wonderful way too. Blessings!

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    3. We have friends who are adopting their 2nd special needs child from China. It has been amazing to walk alongside them through this journey! Praying for your next "chunk" right now Meagan. =)

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  4. This was a very brave post. Thanks for sharing it, Beth.

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    1. Thanks Lorie. It took me a couple months of knowing I needed to share. This morning I just sat down and poured out my heart and God gave me the words. I am certainly not that well written!

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  5. Your post touches me at a similar point in my life. You put it so beautifully, while in my head those same thoughts seem such a mess. We, too, have been trying for two years now and just had a miscarriage of our beautiful Christmas miracle (my first miscarriage). I can relate - we have four beautiful blessings and yet, somehow, it still feels like we are missing something. I am closer to 40 (turning 39 in a couple of weeks) and am still so open to a large family and more life in our house but my prayers have gone unanswered. Many thanks for your willingness to share and prayers for another bundle of joy for you and your family! Prayers for bella and Keitha, too - what beautiful stories of faith, love, and life :) "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done."

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    1. Oh LambMama, truly not my words. God has been speaking to me about writing this post for months. This morning I finally sat down and poured out my heart. God gave me the words that I certainly didn't have.

      I am saying a prayer for you and your family right now. And you put it so beautifully - Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done!" AMEN!

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  6. So sorry about this Beth, I wish I could help. I remember it took us 3 years of trying before we got Nico. It's the day we really "gave up" on it that it all happened. I also would like another child but we are uncertain at this time if I can as I've just been diagnosed with Parkison. I feel your pain, hang in there, it will come :) (hugs xx)

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    1. It stories like that Valerie of how it "just happens" even when it isn't "suppose" to that give such hope. I'll keep waiting! I am sure it is hard to have that desire and have Parkinson that takes up so much of your time and physical strength. Praying for strength, comfort, and wisdom for you right now!

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  7. I will be thinking and praying for you. I love reading your blog and hope there will be a little one to mention soon and watch him/her grow with your others.

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    1. Thanks Penny! I hope someday soon I will have a fun announcement to share too =) Would you believe I have a fun 15+ ways to announce your pregnant post sitting their in draft waiting for us to have news to share with it! I really believe it is going to happen......but how or when - those are a mystery to me! Thanks so much for your kind note!

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  8. If it is in God's plans it will happen. We were told I wouldn't be able to have another baby without medical intervention (which insurance wouldn't cover) and almost a year to the day in October 28, 2011 we found out I was pregnant. God knows the desires of your heart and if it is in his plans he will mist definitely provide. Hugs and prayers

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  9. I'll be praying for you. We were very blessed to have a large family of 8 children, although 2 of my sisters were not as blessed(they didn't get any even though they tried). We don't understand how God works, or Know his ways. I am around your age and we had a baby just 3 months ago, don't give up hope. 💜

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    1. Thank you Justina. I really appreciate your prayers and encouragement.

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  10. My niece's dream was to get married and have a large family. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer at year 1 of their marriage. They would not be able to have kids....the mourning was deep and they prayerfully looked into every option available..They adopted a beautiful baby domestically and have now adopted a 3 year old internationally. When God puts something on your heart He will give you a way to fulfill it, it may not be the way we imagine it. We serve a creative, loving God.......blessings!

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    1. God does have special plans, even if they don't seem clear to us at the time. What a cool way God answered your niece's dream. Thanks for sharing.

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  11. I too have three children and feel like I'm supposed to have a fourth. We have been trying for 6 years. I feel so alone in this because when I try to talk to my friends they point out that I do in fact have children and then I feel selfish for wanting another one. I know that I am blessed and I am so grateful for my beautiful children. I feel like I could have written all that you did as I have also prayed for peace and so far have been denied that. I pray for your happy ending! Thanks for writing this post.

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    1. Well you are right there in the trenches with me aren't you? Saying a prayer right now for you. That God would give you peace and comfort. Hugs my sister in Christ!

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  12. Thank you so much for this post. I haven't struggled with infertility, but I hate waiting! ;) I'm a single christian mom to an 8 year old & 6 year old. I've always wanted a big family and felt strongly about adopting. After going through a divorce about 3 years ago, I struggle with "Is this all you wanted from me God?" So just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right to come along is hard!

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    1. What a tough place for you to be at. Not even at a place you can even work on the "waiting" stage. Saying a prayer for you right now!

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  13. Dear Beth,
    I rarely write but your words speak to my heart as well. I agree with all the dear ladies above..God can do all things and His timing, while not ours, is perfect. I could easily have written your post myself. Your longings are not limited by age (I just turned 50), by the number of children you already have (I have 13), by the number of miscarriages you grieve (I know of 6), or any other specific circumstances. They just are. I still long for just one more (while my husband is breathing a sigh of relief I think - wink). I am trying hard to be content in whatever place the lord chooses to place me. Both literally and figuratively. I will consider you a sweet sister in Christ and hold you (all) in my prayers as we walk the walk. Love and prayers to you! Lopez Mama

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  14. Beth,

    Please know I am there with you as well. We have been without any form of birth control since Jan. 2010. We have been hoping, and praying for another little one. We, however, can look back and see that it would have made our lives even harder at times as we've had a stressful last few years. In my own journey God is leading me to heal my body before I get pregnant again. A thyroid condition along with any other hormone or nutrient deficiency can cause major problems for you as well as the growth of the baby. I hope that you would look into doing the same. Medication to help you ovulate is bypassing safety protocols God has put in place in your body. Thyroid conditions aren't always a problem with the thyroid. Hormones all work together and one off can mean others are off. All hormones work within other specific conditions in the body. I hope you can find the information you need to live a long happy, thyroid problem free, baby filled life! And feel free to contact me if you'd like me to get you started on some reading! Wishing you all the best!

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